Sobriety, Part Two
On Sunday, November 8th, 2020, I broke up with alcohol. And I didn’t even know it.
I was fed up with the way it was making me feel and decided to ‘take a break.’
Take a break.
Now that I’m saying this out loud, I’m realizing that this is often the first step we take to get out of bad relationships.
Our lives are entwined.
Routines are established.
Comfort zones fit like a pair of old jeans.
And codependence lingers where confidence used to live.
There’s too much unknown. Committing to fully cut ties seems like too much to process all at once, so we ease in and say, “let’s take a break.” Often times not even knowing that we are easing in to a full divide.
It was election week, so tension was especially high in addition to my normal anxiety. I told everyone, “I’m just taking the week off so I don’t punch someone” with a giggle. It was my way to lighten the many times I was asked, “why aren’t you drinking?”
If I’m being honest, I didn’t even know if I would make it the week. But I got a coworker to join me to hold me accountable, which I highly recommend doing if you are considering a break.
The first few days were extremely difficult in the evenings. I didn’t realize how much of my itch to grab a drink was not just habit, but also boredom. It was a thing I had taught myself to do when work was done or when there was an empty space in my schedule. “Having a drink” filled a void in more ways than one, and it added a sense of importance to any kind of nothingness.
I had to get okay with feeling uncomfortable in those nothing moments.
Eventually, I became more and more comfortable with the empty spaces of my life. The empty spaces that I used to be scared of, and filled with wine to avoid, I now savor in their purity.
While the evenings were hard, the mornings became a haven. I woke up earlier, felt energized and full of purpose and potential. I had never known mornings like this…ever.
Eventually the evenings got easier, and the mornings only continued to get better.
After only a week in, I felt the best I had in ages, and I felt the itch to celebrate.
With a drink.