Sobriety, Part Seven
This was originally written and posted as a series on Instagram on November 3rd, 2021
I was in such a good place, that I decided to toast to 2021 with a glass of champagne. It didn’t seem like a big deal. I had thought about it beforehand, and it seemed mindful and intentional, not uncontrolled or on a whim.
I’m aware that this may not work for everyone, so please do what works for you. But I promised to never deprive myself of alcohol or say, “you can never have alcohol again.”
That deprivation mindset doesn’t work for me.
I have always told myself I can have a drink whenever I want, if I truly want it.
And for a minute, it really did feel like what I wanted.
Midnight came, the fireworks went off, the glasses clinked, and I took a sip.
I immediately felt dejected. I felt a twinge in all the parts of me that I spent the last 2 months filling up.
And I realized that the reason I felt full was because my glass wasn’t.
In that moment, it was as if I had one foot on either side of the line. The line that had been blurred before. The line that separated what felt good and what felt shitty. What felt full and what felt empty. What I really wanted and what I didn’t.
I watched the rest of the fireworks and then I snuck off to bed, dumping the champagne in the sink.
I chose to step back to the other side of the line.
And while everyone else celebrated the demise of 2020, I celebrated the new beginning of me.