Sobriety, Part Four
This was originally written and posted as a series on Instagram on October 29th, 2021
I powered through week 2, and the following week was Thanksgiving. I assured everyone, including myself, that I’d have some wine with Thanksgiving dinner.
“Don’t worry, I’ll drink!” was an attempt to make myself appear or feel “normal.”
But when Thanksgiving Day came around, I still wasn’t ready to go back to how I felt before.
I knew that I wanted to have my first sober holiday in almost 15 years, but I still had a really difficult time with it. I felt left out from the celebratory aspect of the day, and was still learning how to stand strong and confident in my knowing what was right for me.
There’s an awkwardness in the beginning where you’re still clutching to your drink at social events the way you did when it was alcohol.
When you have alcohol in hand, it feels important.
It provides a layer of protection to the beholder.
It has purpose.
If there’s an awkward lull in conversation, you can take a sip to find your words, or look at your glass and say, “well, I need a refill!” and head to the bar to regroup. You can lift it up in celebration with a cheers, and you can fidget with your straw. Camaraderie can even be found between two polar opposite individuals over a shared love of a certain concoction. There’s a reason why it’s called a social lubricant.
I didn’t realize how much I was using my drink for assistance in social situations until it was in my hand, lifeless. It was like someone took off my social training wheels and pushed me down a hill.
But it’s in those sticky, awkward moments where your brain is being rewired to learn to manage on its own. It’s incredibly challenging and uncomfortable at first, but you get better at it.
I was incredibly lucky that everyone I spent the holiday with was so supportive of my break from alcohol. But it would be remiss of me not to say that even with the most supportive people at the table, there will still be moments that you feel like you’re sitting alone. But that’s when you need to keep going.